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About "Self", by guest writer T. G.

I grew up in a middle class family, and always felt like the"odd one out". There was no love in my family, except for when I was very young and my dad would come in to say goodnight and sing me a song while rubbing my forehead so I could sleep well. That didn’t last that long as my mother and dad seemed to hate each other, which oozed out and infected the rest of the family. I had always wished I was in a different family, a loving family, where I could love and be loved. My dad was isolating himself more and more from my abusing and manipulative mother, who constantly berated him, whether he was at home or not. She took over the role of who wears the pants in the family, and she would manipulate the other children against my dad, with lies or bribes, or withholding her affection, whatever that was. In turn my dad started to sink deeper and deeper into depression, and his so-called doctors were prescribing him uppers and downers, one to compensate for the other. He was diagnosed with manic depression, and after a couple of hospitalizations he was taken out of state for electric shock therapy. There was such constant emotional abuse and physical abuse, it's hard to count how many times the police were called. I realize now that my dad was just as manipulative and abusive, as he too takes no responsibility for anything. My role became to defend my dad, as my mother and the other children would take advantage of him. I felt bad for my dad and I knew he was sick and I wanted to see him get better. Needless to say this wasn't a healthy environment. My coping mechanism became an eating disorder. I would restrict my food, to keep weight off and then a school friend of mine showed me how to be a bulimic, where I could eat and then just throw up my food, which became a life long battle of mine, nearly half my life, with a few near death experiences, and hospitalizations. I was constantly "getting off at the wrong bus stop". My mother despised me and she treated me as a piece of throw away garbage, she blamed me for all the unhappiness in her life, and at one point she had wanted all the children to sign "legal" papers that my dad was incompetent, so she could take his property. Everyone else was on board, but I refused, as I saw right through her. Her way of getting me back was to take everything I own and throw it away, or keep it for herself. To escape the house I would stay after school and play sports, and developed friendships as well as drinking partners. So I was limited to the time I spent at home. When it came time for applying for college I was so bulimic, and knew there was no way I was ready to go to College, but this didn't seem to reflect the feelings of my parents which were: don't think you’re gonna stay home and do nothing. While I just wanted a job and to get well, but I was forced to take a loan and go. I was so sick that I was hospitalized. I was on an athletic scholarship and so I stuck it out for the year. I was going through life picking up a job here or there on my own; it didn't matter what it was: waitress, bagging dirt, coaching, but I always had to let go for fear of someone finding out about my disease, and the older I got the harder it was to hide this secretive affliction. A few years later I was playing in a league and met the coach to another college, and she offered me a scholarship to play, I thought yes it’s time and so I went. This is where my first real serious relationship started, and as I look back and reflect on that relationship now, the things he had done to hurt me, like sleeping with my aunt and my sister in law were most likely a reflection of how I drove him away, through my own insecurities. This relationship started by me chasing him as well, when the man should be chasing the woman. I was still heavy into my eating disorder at this time, so how could I be committed to a man, when I was really committed to my disease? When I graduated college, I moved back home for lack of funds, but this probably wasn't my wisest choice. The resentment of my mom weighed heavily on me. The last straw was when she threw me out of the house and I went to a friends and never left. I had nowhere else to go and he never turned me away. I was also chasing him as well, prior to this. He took care of me and loved me with all my quirks and illness et all, he has been trying to teach me patience since. About 17 years ago he was diagnosed with a very serious cancer, where you are not supposed to survive, but he did and developed 2 secondary cancers from treatments he received. I’ve been taking care of him ever since. I realize now that all the problems I suffer are lessons and karma. If I look in the mirror I can see that I have been a hypocrite, when in relationships, not being totally honest about what is going on with me, but I just wanted somebody to love me and to love somebody - a comforter. I just have seen that to obtain these things I need not look any further than myself. Starting with letting go and following The Way, that is the only thing that can heal and cure all. I have to work on becoming a real woman, a help-meet for a man, a woman that would make God proud, that I probably never would have been able to reach and strive for, if it weren't for The Lord himself, who allowed me to find JAH and His people who are His helpers and followers of The Way. I have struggled the last couple of days as to how I react, but I now think about it and realize what it is that I am doing wrong. Thank you Lynn for your book AH MEN, and thank you Naomi for all your help and guidance and your site. peace be with you and within you, Trish  
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Comments

  • Hi Trish,

    What a wonderful blog you wrote!  Hopefully, in a couple of days or so, maybe this Sabbath, I will be writing myself.  Things have been a little dramatic around here lately, I believe writing will help...

    Until then, please visit my homepage - Faithful Servant, see you there!

    Take Care,

    Don't forget, Love and Laugh!!! Hope to talk with you soon

  • Thank you kindly for your thoughtful and kind words.  It would be nice to talk to you soon.

    Yes, Love and laugh, Amen

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About "Self" by guest writer Trish

I grew up in a middle class family, and always felt like the"odd one out". There was no love in my family, except for when I was very young and my dad would come in to say goodnight and sing me a song while rubbing my forehead so I could sleep well. That didn’t last that long as my mother and dad seemed to hate each other, which oozed out and infected the rest of the family. I had always wished I was in a different family, a loving family, where I could love and be loved. My dad was isolating himself more and more from my abusing and manipulative mother, who constantly berated him, whether he was at home or not. She took over the role of who wears the pants in the family, and she would manipulate the other children against my dad, with lies or bribes, or withholding her affection, whatever that was. In turn my dad started to sink deeper and deeper into depression, and his so-called doctors were prescribing him uppers and downers, one to compensate for the other. He was diagnosed with manic depression, and after a couple of hospitalizations he was taken out of state for electric shock therapy. There was such constant emotional abuse and physical abuse, it's hard to count how many times the police were called. I realize now that my dad was just as manipulative and abusive, as he too takes no responsibility for anything. My role became to defend my dad, as my mother and the other children would take advantage of him. I felt bad for my dad and I knew he was sick and I wanted to see him get better. Needless to say this wasn't a healthy environment. My coping mechanism became an eating disorder. I would restrict my food, to keep weight off and then a school friend of mine showed me how to be a bulimic, where I could eat and then just throw up my food, which became a life long battle of mine, nearly half my life, with a few near death experiences, and hospitalizations. I was constantly "getting off at the wrong bus stop". My mother despised me and she treated me as a piece of throw away garbage, she blamed me for all the unhappiness in her life, and at one point she had wanted all the children to sign "legal" papers that my dad was incompetent, so she could take his property. Everyone else was on board, but I refused, as I saw right through her. Her way of getting me back was to take everything I own and throw it away, or keep it for herself. To escape the house I would stay after school and play sports, and developed friendships as well as drinking partners. So I was limited to the time I spent at home. When it came time for applying for college I was so bulimic, and knew there was no way I was ready to go to College, but this didn't seem to reflect the feelings of my parents which were: don't think you’re gonna stay home and do nothing. While I just wanted a job and to get well, but I was forced to take a loan and go. I was so sick that I was hospitalized. I was on an athletic scholarship and so I stuck it out for the year. I was going through life picking up a job here or there on my own; it didn't matter what it was: waitress, bagging dirt, coaching, but I always had to let go for fear of someone finding out about my disease, and the older I got the harder it was to hide this secretive affliction. A few years later I was playing in a league and met the coach to another college, and she offered me a scholarship to play, I thought yes it’s time and so I went. This is where my first real serious relationship started, and as I look back and reflect on that relationship now, the things he had done to hurt me, like sleeping with my aunt and my sister in law were most likely a reflection of how I drove him away, through my own insecurities. This relationship started by me chasing him as well, when the man should be chasing the woman. I was still heavy into my eating disorder at this time, so how could I be committed to a man, when I was really committed to my disease? When I graduated college, I moved back home for lack of funds, but this probably wasn't my wisest choice. The resentment of my mom weighed heavily on me. The last straw was when she threw me out of the house and I went to a friends and never left. I had nowhere else to go and he never turned me away. I was also chasing him as well, prior to this. He took care of me and loved me with all my quirks and illness et all, he has been trying to teach me patience since. About 17 years ago he was diagnosed with a very serious cancer, where you are not supposed to survive, but he did and developed 2 secondary cancers from treatments he received. I’ve been taking care of him ever since. I realize now that all the problems I suffer are lessons and karma. If I look in the mirror I can see that I have been a hypocrite, when in relationships, not being totally honest about what is going on with me, but I just wanted somebody to love me and to love somebody - a comforter. I just have seen that to obtain these things I need not look any further than myself. Starting with letting go and following The Way, that is the only thing that can heal and cure all. I have to work on becoming a real woman, a help-meet for a man, a woman that would make God proud, that I probably never would have been able to reach and strive for, if it weren't for The Lord himself, who allowed me to find JAH and His people who are His helpers and followers of The Way. I have struggled the last couple of days as to how I react, but I now think about it and realize what it is that I am doing wrong. Thank you Lynn for your book AH MEN, and thank you Naomi for all your help and guidance and your site. peace be with you and within you, Trish   
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